How Not To Propose, By Fitzwilliam Darcy
by ThaliaMassacre
Summary: Mr. Darcy writes a guide of How Not To Propose. Not from personal experience, of course.
1. Lesson One

Yeah. It was an inside joke. I'm lookin to write a sequeal called how to propose By Mr. Bingley, but lets finish this one first puppies.

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**How Not To Propose.**

**By Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy.**

I speak not from experience.

This is a guide to the proper way not to propose. I have no experience in this whatsoever, for I am a desired and handsome man who never has had the disgrace of being refused.

Ever.

I write this guide in favor of all you men like… my dear friend, Mr… Ditzwilliam Farcy.

Who had the girl of his dreams in his clutches, only to screw himself over by blubbering like and incomprehensible ass.

I shall cover the basics, with slight commentary, by reciting my companions story, from beginning to end, and analyzing what went wrong in successive situations.

I speak not from experience. I speak only from tale told by Mr. Farcy.

Now pray let us begin.

Our first lesson takes view upon the first realization that the one you love is in fact the one you love.

RULE ONE : RUIN YOUR LOVES FAMILY'S HAPPINESS

I hear tale from Mr. Farcy that the day he realized he loved Eliza Bonnet, was not in a place one wouldst find themselves usually. He stood quietly waiting to enter the lavatory, and he says the realization weighed his heart like a pregnant horse. However, some conflicting feelings were in order because Ms. Bonnet was of lower rank, and plain quality. He dismissed these feelings immediately, hoping they were the result of bad eggs or porridge.

Should we freeze here, I should say there are already several fatal flaws in this plan. He seems not to comprehend that repulsing these feelings he will only cause himself so much misery that he should explode and admit his admiration to her in the most unpleasant circumstances, and then witness his own demise and rejection.

But we shall not freeze. We shall carry on.

We move ahead several hours, to the arrival of one Ms. June Bonnet. Mr. Farcy mentioned once or twice the deepness of his dear friend Mr. Bungley's admiration for this girl, and his worry that she did not return the attachment. If any common fool were to look at the situation that held prose, he should simply assume she was a shy girl, and guarded her feelings well. But being as Mr. Farcy was too obstructed by caring for his friend, he instead ended up hurting his friend in the most horrid way.

June hurried inside from the stormy weather, and Mr. Bungley insisted she remove her wet traveling cloak. After obliging, the too hurried off into the parlor, and sent leave for a doctor.

Had Mr. Farcy been Logical, he would have seen immediatley that Junes present would undoubtedly bring presence of a most beloved sister, and should that sister arrive, he himself should not be able to make himself seem like a true and proper gentlemen, and only in the end seem like a common git.

But Mr. Farcy ignored logic, and when Ms. Bonnet did arrove, gave way to surprised admiration, as the floodgates he had built in his heart came crumbling down into rubble.

Plain was not the word to describe her, and he scolded himself for being so unjust.

Her eyes had a dreamlike quality about them, as if he could just watch themswirl for the longest measures of time.

His thoughts, however were interrupted by Mr. Bungley's sisters presence. He winced at the thought of being subjected to another tormenting hour of flirtatious questions and subtle hinting. He retired to his room, where he lay till the small hours of the morning, raging a battle inside himself.

Now, had Mr. Farcy given no fight to his feelings, Ms. Bonnet would more the likely accepted his later offer, and the whole of the problem be avoided.

However, Mr. Farcy found her family very undignified, and should not have liked to connect himself to them in such a way as to extend a hand of marriage to their daughter.

However, when he did fall to sleep, his mind wandered innocently off to wondering about how those eyes could hold such a power over him as to make him forget himself.


	2. Let's Review

bows repeatedly thank you all so much for the kind, kind reviews! I have some funny stuff instore for next chapter, so keep up with me, eh? ;

3(Kourtney)

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When Mr. Farcy did wake, he did not find his mind any clearer then he had left it last night. But with new rest, he acted under the assumption his resilience was also renewed.

He devoured his breakfast without really tasting the porridge's sweetness, and hurried to seek audience with Mr. Bungley, whom he found hidden away in the parlor. He was aglow with happiness, obviously the presence of June had brought his spirits up substantially. And being Mr. Farcy wanted none of that, he found the only way to ruin his dearest friends happiness for all eternity.

Mr. Bungleys face fell as Farcy explained how his affections were not returned, and Mr. Farcy felt his heart sink also. Was it worth it to ruin his friends happiness with such an unimportant thing as love? Let them be married, and let him be happy. She will certainly accept, should he propose. But a deeper feeling was resonating inside our Farcy, and he was resigned to being truthful. After all, it never hurt anyone.

Except for men who did not want to hear they are loathed from the mouth of their beloved.

But we're not quite to that part yet.

Now we move on to the lesson for this rule.

When aiming to insult a woman's family, one must first not only be insufferably proper, but also proud In doing so.

Other wise, you could actually get accepted.

And who would want that?

Once Mr. Farcy had completely ruined his friends happiness perhaps for the rest of his human existence, he made his way to the drawing room. He found Ms. Bungley reading on the couch, to which he left her in favor of a less torturous afternoon activity. He wandered aimlessly before deciding to write another letter to his sister.

After this, his story grows unbearably dull for at least an hour. So we shall forgo the dull nature of the rest of this story, and review on what we have learned thus far.

Rule one: Ruin your Love's Family's Happiness

A) find the most loved member of her family.

B) find that persons one true love.

C) ruin that love.

D) be proud in doing so.

Now, we move on to more interesting tale.


End file.
